I had a thought....

As I was soaking in the sun like a fat cat on the way to class, enjoying a pumpkin latte, I said to myself "what a great day! I have a lot to be happy about." I pretty much never have that thought. So often I find myself mired in sad feelings. Some of this is chemical and hard for me to control, but lately I've noticed that when I AM feeling sad it's compounded and sent spiraling down into the Nothing Good Can Come From This Abyss when I am (sub)consciously comparing myself to what I think I should be based on some cliched societal standards or when I'm comparing myself to others. If I have learned ANYTHING in my short time on this planet it's that nothing is as it seems and even people that seem to be the happiest can be suffering deeply on the inside. So why am I comparing myself to cliches and illusions? How does that help me? It doesn't. It fuels the depression monster in my brain. Now, some things are tragic and unavoidable. And sometimes your brain gives you a big middle finger and there's nothing you can do to stop the spiral into the abyss. I get that. I've been there. Sometimes though, when you're just teetering on the edge, it helps (me, anyway) to remember what I have that makes me feel lucky.There are a ton of things I wish I had or that I wish I was able to do, but you know what? Today is a good day and I have to go bonkers on the good days because my brain could decide it's sad bastard time whenever it wants and then I might not be able to pull myself back from the edge. My wish for you, dear readers, is that today turns out to be a good day. Get some sun. Get a pumpkin flavored thingey. Embrace your inner weezer (my step-father's word for children. He always referred to us as Little Weezers) and play in a pile of raked leaves. In your yard or someone else's. Don't get arrested. Have a cupcake. Gluten free, if necessary. 

Anyway, I need to spend more time reveling in my successes than wallowing in my failures. And maybe if I put that intention out into the universe, I'll remember it on my dark days.

Thoughts on Lady Choices

Hey there. Been awhile, I know. I read something today that inspired me and I wanted to get on my soapbox about it for a tic. 

So I read this letter:
To The Women Who Don't Want to Have Kids.

And I thought. Wow. Thank you. I've never had that all encompassing urge to have a baby and be a parent. It's not something that I yearn for. I wouldn't say I'm 100% against it. More like, 85%. I'm not in a particularly great place in my life to have a child anyhow. I'm 33, single, I work full time and go to school part time. I can barely fit in sleep. I have cats and they're all the snuggles I need. Hell, I'd love to get a dog, but I don't have time for that either. I have a few girlfriends who feel the same way I do, so I KNOW that I'm not totally weird for not wanting to be a Mom. Despite what society keeps telling me. I get a lot of guff when I tell people that I'm not particularly interested in being a parent. Some people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. Or I'll change my mind when I meet the right man. Most people, however look at me as though I'm either making an excuse because I'm single and the age I am and it must be all a facade to make myself feel better about where I'm at in my life OR that I'm the most selfish woman ever created for not wanting to devote my life to being a Mom. No one calls a man self centered when he says he doesn't want kids. THAT REALLY ANNOYS ME. A man doesn't have a uterus, so it's okay for him not to want to be a parent, but I do, so that somehow makes me some sort of hideous, wretched excuse for a woman. I don't understand what's so damn difficult about accepting people's choices and supporting them regardless of whether or not they align with your own particular vision for a happy life. I thought people of my Mother's generation fought for choice and acceptance. Was I wrong? Or did we only fight for the choices that other people think are the ones we ought to be making?

 I don't begrudge people their choice to have children. Heck, I love being fun Aunt Jill. I get all the snuggles and good times and none of the lame responsible stuff. Just last weekend I got an entire room of adults to wear pillows as hats in order to entertain my best friends 4 year old. It was epic. I like my life as is, what can I say? I know I don't have the time or the inclination to put in the effort it would take to be a great parent. And I would want to be a great parent. This letter speaks to that. It makes me feel a little better to know that a complete stranger recognizes and validates my choice. Not that it needs validation, but you know what I'm getting at. 

Anyway. Make your life choices. Stand by them. I support your right to make them. People are going to judge no matter what you do, so who cares what they think anyway. One of the best lessons I've been able to learn is to surround myself with the people that support me and lose the ones who don't. 

Also, I got another Stitch Fix credit. *Squee* and I have another fix coming on Thursday. SO. EXCITED. Pictures to follow. Yaaaay!