Sunday, November 23, 2014

This one is brutal.

I feel like this post needs a disclaimer. I'm having a bad day. I've been having a bad week, maybe. I've got a ton of negativity building up in my head and I need to get it the hell out of there. This is the kind of shit that goes on in my head when I'm feeling low. I haven't edited my thoughts or feelings in the slightest. This is how I choose to go to therapy. Maybe if I spew it all out some of it won't come back. Don't be concerned for my well being, it's not like that. Welcome to the inner sanctum. It's a weird place.

I have to get some of this garbage out of my head. It's just rattling around in there. It's making me bonkers. And lately everything has been making me bonkers. My interactions with people annoy me and tire me. Functioning as a normal human being takes IMMENSE effort. The only thing I REALLY want to do is stay at home and snuggle my cats. I can't find motivation to do much of anything and that's starting to be a bummer because I have a ton to do. And then at work today one of the pharmacists checking my work questioned what I did and in this case I KNOW I was right, but suddenly three other pharmacists ganged up on me and started a diatribe of questions designed to render my argument invalid and when they couldn't do that they claimed they'd never heard of what I was referring to. Not that they WOULD because  they don't ever actually HANDLE the drugs and therefore wouldn't know how to properly prepare it. Trust me, you'd be surprised. And this has left me in a funk. Replaying the scene over and over again in my head. Questioning myself, thinking of what else I could have said to prove my case and feeling like they were all snickering at me behind my back or at least thinking me out of place for arguing my point and defending my choice. As though I should have conceded to them because they have the higher degree, so by default they're always right.

And now I'm pissed off because my brain is wired this way. I desperately want things not to bother me. I desperately want not to feel so incredibly mortified and humiliated all the time.

I think I must have always felt like an outsider. I've always felt hideously misunderstood. I can't think back to a time where I didn't feel that way. I can remember instances as far back as first grade when I felt odd or had it pointed out to me by my classmates that I was different. Weird. That did go away for awhile in my late teens and early twenties. I found a group of people that seemed to really like me and understand me and all of a sudden I was on the inside. Years of being on the outside looking in and finally I was on the inside. Then the inside started to feel....claustrophobic. Something shifted and suddenly, I wasn't on the inside anymore. I lost that fearless, happy feeling. Maybe I'm remembering it with too much nostalgia, but I do remember being confident and afraid of very little. I also remember some histrionic personality, quirks, but whatever. Those have either mellowed out or I have learned how to better deal with them. Ever since I lost that feeling, I feel like I've reverted back to my childhood. I feel like people don't take me seriously as an adult. I feel insecure and scared a lot.

I had the unfortunate experience of being a very sensitive child raised in a time when such things were not considered important to address. It was REALLY easy to hurt my feelings. I don't feel like I ever learned how to interact with people on a normal, casual level. Everything was a slight or had a hidden meaning. In the 80's people didn't really do much for people with personality issues, I think a lot of kids I knew would have been considered to be on the autism spectrum if that had been a thing back then, but as it was you were basically told to get your shit together and behave or suffer the consequences. I think I could have benefited from talk therapy at an early age. Maybe if I had dealt with my feelings of loneliness and misunderstanding at an early age I wouldn't be in the head space I'm in now. Which is:

Disagreements with people torment me.
My unintended bad actions and words haunt me for months.
When I feel like people either don't like me, or I've made a mistake somehow, I avoid people for months.
I always think people are saying nasty things about me behind my back.
It takes an abnormally long time for me to be able to trust people.
I feel like my closest family members don't really understand me.
I don't think people genuinely like me. I feel like they think I'm difficult.
I don't feel like I can actually change the way my brain works or better my life.
I'm always lonely, but I don't have the energy to make plans and being around too many people is exhausting.
I feel like I spend my whole life skating on thin ice and getting by by the skin of my teeth.
I feel like I'll never find anyone that really loves me and I don't deserve to.
I feel too tired to do anything about it.

I know this is my head being a douche bag, I get it. Brain weasels are a bitch. Mine have burrowed pretty deep. I mean, I guess I'm depressed. I should probably see a therapist, but I don't believe that will help and I don't want to take drugs that alter my brain chemistry. It's also expensive and I don't really trust people, so I imagine myself sitting there being asked inane questions with my arms crossed, saying nothing.

There. I Think that's everything.

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