Thursday, November 6, 2014

Cleaning up messes

Aloha. Greetings from dark, dank and rainy Connecticut. It's very fitting for my mood. So, I'm not talking about literal messes. I'm talking about the messes we make in our relations with other humans. First, a story. It's a true one, too.

In the before time, the not quite so long ago, there was a falling out. I would like to say it was a falling out between friends, but the fact of the matter is that only one side of the many sides in the falling out was honest and true. Like all things, the honest and true side wound up being hit the hardest. Not only by the lies she uncovered, but by the attack the dark side forged upon her as a means to save their own skins. She realized that it was impossible to fight the dark side because she would not fight like they fought and when you refuse to hurt other people to save your own skin, sometimes you lose. So she (I?) retreated and let them win and let them tarnish her name to save herself and the people she cared about from further pain. People thought she was holding on to petty grudges and she let them think it even though the truth was that they had done some pretty cruel things in order to try to break her spirit. Some serious shit that was seriously unforgivable. They almost succeeded. Fortunately they weren't as tricky as they thought and some people, other people they hurt, were wise to their shenanigans. Other people fell hook, line, and sinker for them and were lost to her. And that fucking sucked because she really liked some of the people she lost. And time passed and when she was still unwilling to subject herself to their bullshit she found she had to speak up because people were starting to think that she was acting like a child and an asshole.

So, what's the deal with the story? Well, recently I had to make some very carefully crafted confessions and let people know that in fact, I am not being a petty child, I am preserving my mental health (and possibly my physical health) and that my reluctance to participate in certain things is because these people are some of the best liars I've ever met and some of the downright blackest souls I have ever encountered. And all that is born out of crippling insecurity and feelings of self loathing, so they break people in order to make themselves feel like they're worth something. Cruel fucking trick because if they just acted like decent human beings, I'm 99% positive that people would really like them and everyone could live in peace and harmony, but I digress. I wanted more than ANYTHING not to say a word, but the time had come when I had to speak up or else become okay with the fact that people were going to think I was a childish bitch who held onto grudges. So,   I told and I felt better. Like, a million times better. It was unbelievable how good I felt. And I did it without embarassing anyone or calling anyone out. I'm a confessing champ! And I felt such a weight lifted that I was inspired to explain to someone else because I also owed them a bit of an apology. So I crafted a thoughtful e-mail, explained, apologized, wished them well and that felt....less great. It felt kind of shitty, actually. That person, instead of saying, ' Oh man, thanks! I understand! I'm sorry too!' Said 'I appreciate that. Did you talk to anyone else about it?'....o_O....not an unfair response, but not what I was hoping for,

Hmmmm....That was weird. I expected to feel better. I feel....crummier. Maybe that's because this person is a known consort of the dark side. Perhaps this person has fallen victim to their shiny outsides. Now I fear retribution from them. I shouldn't, but they destroy people for sport. Sounds ridiculous and dramatic, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of it, believe me. It's an accurate statement.

The moral of the story? It's a good thing to admit when you're wrong and try to mend fences, but you have to be prepared for the fact that the other person may not want to mend fences with you. As someone said to me today, though, at least you've cleared your conscience. Being an adult. Weird and kind of depressing. You should still make the effort. It's good to wipe the dirty spots off your soul.